I interviewed one of my bestest friends, Eve Kinder, she was brave enough and kind enough to open up to me and you about her experience with anorexia.
Look how beautiful she is, inside and out!
WHEN DID YOU FIRST START CONSCIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE EATING?
Its different for everybody, it kind of just, it came along when i was about 10/9, because I started thinking ‘oh i need to loose weight’. I had friends in primary school but I was constantly bullied because of my weight, I would get called ‘the fat kid’, or the ‘pig’ or whatever and then I suddenly realised and I would look at my self and have thoughts like, oh maybe I am that person that everybody is telling me that I am. People would treat me differently because I was a big girl, so then I began consciously choosing to not touch bread or eat another cookie. It got progressively worse and worse and so by the time I was like 10/11 I was put into cams hospital and thats when it really hit me when I had lost too much weight. I got way too skinny, I wouldn’t eat in the day, Id go for like four days eating one cracker and a few grapes and then I would go on like 12 mile walks everyday. When I went into hospital, at first it was just counselling, but then I had this food plan and that was probably the toughest thing I had to do ever, because people don’t realise its not really about the food at all, its about this lack of control that you feel you have, over your body, over maybe..your family situations or whatever because of what family situations going on before which I felt my eaten habits came from that as I felt I had a lack of control over my family and over how people saw me. I felt like I had no authority with myself and I would just let people roll over me so I felt maybe food was the way i would have control over something that was mine, if I couldn’t have control over my family or friends maybe I would with food? Thats when I didn’t eat anything, my food diary would be like some yoghurt in the morning, some chicken at lunch and something else for dinner, it really wouldn’t be a lot but it was the worse experience I had to do, there would be fights, I wouldn’t let my mum put anything in them, so just cook the chicken and that would be it. Id have panic attacks almost every night, they would be quite bad because suddenly I had no control over my body, people were telling me again to do something just like in primary school when they were telling me ‘your ugly’ or whatever and more people were telling me that I had to eat to do this and I felt like i had this lack of control. I haven’t really told anyone this before but one night my dad called the ambulance because I was having a really bad panic attack and was refusing to eat and thats when I properly got put into hospital.
HOW DID IT EFFECT YOU AND THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU?
It was a lot about the lack of control with my family situation but none of my family were like this. My dads side are very curvy confident women and I would look up to them and be like ‘oh my god, how can i be like that?’ however my mums side is very different. My mum doesn’t really accept her femininity, at all, so I felt maybe there was a conflict between that. I think it affected them deeply, I was quite selfish in this whole entire situation, I still feel that today. They dealt with it well, i was angry with them at the time because they had counselling as well and I had no idea why, I was like ‘why an earth would they, im the only one that should be getting the help I don’t know why they need it?’. I think it put a lot of strain on the family and I felt like they thought they were to blame for the things that happened. It affects me daily, today if you looked at me you would not think I was ever anorexic, you would think I was quite chubby because Im quite curvy now im not the normal skinny girl. I still have quite an uncomfortable relationship with food, I tend to over eat, almost the other side of the spectrum, so like its always in the back of your mind so you look at yourself and think ‘oh my god. thats disgusting’. People to say it never goes, and I do believe it will never go, but im in a positive place now because im surrounded by positive people, like Maddi!, and amazing friends, and even though I don’t have the best relationship with my parents I have learned not to rely on them to feel confident with myself or for this unconditional love. Im surrounded by, a brilliant school, friends that all support me throughout and also within I felt confident then I ever have before, i look at myself in the mirror now and I say ‘goddamn gurl, you are beautiful!’ and with all my rolls and everything and I don’t think about seeking validation from anyone else when im getting it from myself and my friends are supporting me through everything, so I would say it defiantly doesn’t affect me like it used to.
ADVICE TO GIVE
Um, I think the advice that I would give people is that you do deserve help, I know I felt like I didn’t deserve this help because my self esteem was so low and i felt, you know because your damaging everyone around you, that you don’t want to hurt anybody else so you don’t think you need the help and so you think by carrying on like this it will all work out for the best because at least your going to be ‘skinny’ but really you deserve all the help you need, and even if you feel like its not working, just by talking about how you’re feeling is the most fundamentally important thing when your not at first actively changing but just understanding that you have a problem and talking about it and by doing that you will no longer seek validation from others but realise that you do have self worth and you are strong enough to change.
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